A new way of living life

Wow... time really flies. Clemence just reminded me that I haven't blogged for more than a month and before I know school is going to start in 4 days' time. To make matters worse, I'm in a I-can't-be-bothered-about-anything mood recently, something like what Boyang is going through in his first week of school. There just isn't any passion or enthusiasm in me, so I thought it might be a good thing to rediscover my hopes and goals.

Well to start off, I guess my lack of enthusiasm has rubbed off onto others, or it might be the other way round. My students at Boys Town are nonchalently taking a long relaxing break in the middle of their exams. Djong has decided he's going to heck care his exams completely since he doesn't want to go to a JC anymore and that he wants to study design in NYP. So on Monday, after an amazing effort on my part to rush to Boys Town after my zoo outing with fellow SMU friends, (I spent a total of $10 on cab fare) Djong rewarded me by showing me his pictures and designs on a project that he has been doing for Design and Technology. It's a nice thing, as in both his works and his friendliness, but all I could do was comment it's nice since I really have no idea on how to appreciate such works. Thereafter, he carried on doing his D&T project and at the same time he listened while I recited chemistry sutras to him like one of those Shaolin abbots in the ancient times. In the meanwhile, Roy pulled a stunt on me by telling me he's going for a toilet break, which unfortunately, lasted for the entire 2 hours. So after 20 minutes of confusion on my part, Djong told me Roy has most probably gone upstairs to watch Wild Wild West. Frankly speaking, I was quite disappointed at that time because I've just been fooled by my tutee, and on top of that I forgot to tell my brother to tape down the show as I've not watched it before.

Well, at the end of the day, I was quite surprised with myself for not feeling angry or sad. All I felt was a tinge of disappointment and an overwhelming sense of helplessness. In the first place to start with, Djong has decided to take design in NYP, so why the hell am I teaching him chemistry and physics when all these have no iota of benefit to his future except that he gets a better looking 'O' level certificate? On the other hand, while Roy still keeps his dreams about topping his 'N' level cohort and doing his 'O's next year, I don't see how he's going to achieve it when he still fails everything except for his tamil and geography papers. Had I been a terribly lousy or terribly boring teacher? A few weeks ago I wouldn't have thought so because Roy seemed to show an increase in interest in his maths and science and he also made some progress in understanding them. Maybe his frequent mood swings caused him to give up on both himself and me.

While the session on Monday may have drowned my morale, several other incidents in recent weeks have also helped to reduce me to a state of indifference with myself. And the thing is I know I have faults in each and every one of them. Maybe in the past I would have condemned myself as a total failure. But now I have decided that it isn't going to make my life happier or the day brighter by getting so harsh with myself. There are still so many things in life I look forward to. The new friends I'm going to make in SMU, the shopping at Orchard Road, the many useful things on investments and business that I'm going to learn, the transformation that SMU will have on me and even the frequent chillax evenings at Coffeebeans or Starbucks make me yearn for tomorrow. I suddenly remember why I made the switch from chemical engineering in NTU to business in SMU this year, despite many concerns from my close friends that I may not be able to fit in with the culture. I made the switch because I want to learn how to be financially independent, I want to widen and diversify my group of friends and most importantly I want to be transformed by SMU into a more open and happier person. There is certainly a reason for me to be interested in whatever I'm going to study in SMU, and despite my shortcomings I'm sure I will be able to make good friends there who can help me to overcome my weaknesses. Afterall while I may have failed in several aspects of my life, I do have some successes too.

A few months ago, I wrote down on my dreamboard that my ultimate goal in life is to be very successful by the age of 50 and become a beacon of light to youngsters who are lost and troubled. While I definitely can't see the light right now, I'm sure I can find my way if I hold on to that shimmering light of hope in my heart. : )