Alone

Ok. This will be a relatively short entry. A few days ago, I rejected a chance of getting the American Chambers of Commerce scholarship by telling the SMU person-in-charge I'm giving it up for a better scholarship next year. (This is because I will not be able to get another scholarship if AmCham awarded me this scholarship) Actually, I could have tried my luck at the interview and decide later whether to accept the scholarship if I get shortlisted. However, I feel it's unethical to reject it if I'm shortlisted because this will mean I've faked all my enthusiasm and interest during the interview. Besides, the SMU person-in-charge also said I may end up depriving the other two interviewees the scholarship if I reject it last minute.

Anyway, I also do not know whether I'm really silly or optimistic or confident of myself. But I do know one thing for sure. Somewhere inside me there is a very strong desire for the SMU scholarship that I had failed to get earlier... even though it's almost impossible to get it after the first year because it's normally only awarded to pre-entry students. I do know what I'm up against. However, I want to trust myself again. I want to tell myself that the moon is within reach... and not dampen my spirits by disregarding it as a mere reflection on the water. In fact, I just want to give myself a chance to prove to myself again. Boyang told me this gamble with myself is too risky... because he thought if it were in the past I would have failed without question. Some of my friends have also told me I'm fighting a losing battle in the first place. It was quite demoralising for me initially because most of my friends do not trust and support me in my ambitions. Maybe some will even cross their fingers and watch me fall painfully before declaring "see I told you so". But at least Boyang touched me by saying as my close friend he will feel sad for me if I fail. Even though he still believes that I could not achieve my dream, he also implied he would share some of my disappointments if I fail. Frankly speaking, it was by far the most sincere comment that I've heard from a friend regarding this issue. He also told me that even though the path I've chosen is rough, I must learn to overcome all my obstacles like Chang Jin and that I must never look back again.

Indeed, quite a number of my friends did tell me I cannot make it. However, wasn't there a moment when you yearn for a dream so much that you wouldn't want to stop dreaming? When they say I cannot make it, are the limits to my abilities imposed by these people or by myself?

If there is one thing that made me walk this path, it's because I want to continue dreaming. : )